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Archive for 一月 7th, 2009

Written by Sungball

Fact of life: Women correlate remembering things to caring about them.

If you happen to be a guy, you know that at any given moment in time, any slip up when it comes to answering a girl’s questions on what their favorite color is… what their favorite flower is… or what color panties they were wearing that one random day you had sex (because she was wearing a special color that day and expects you to remember, you forgetful jerk!) is going to result in the girl thinking you don’t care.

For example, I was at dinner the other night with my older sister, and whenever she brought up a family story about a time when we had done this or that, I had trouble remembering the details of the event. With each passing story, my sister grew ever more frustrated and finally blurted out, “Ugh! You never remember anything! You don’t care about this family!"

If I was smart, I could have avoided a headache’s worth of trouble by diverting the situation in an intelligent way, but no… I fully engaged her, and we got into a fight in a public restaurant.

If you’re a guy, chances are you’re going to be put on the spot by a girl sometime in your life, and if you don’t remember, she’s going to get annoyed. So, to help you, I thought of some ways to win the battle against women and remembering things in some classic situations:

Girl: What is my favorite color?
Say angrily: I don’t know. Do you even know my favorite color?!
Girl: Your favorite color is [whatever it is; trust me, she’ll remember that shit.].
Say angrily: No, it’s not!
Girl: What? (She’ll be really confused, but now she can’t get mad at you for not remembering.) What’s your favorite color then?
Answer calmly: It’s brown.
(Your favorite color is now brown for the rest of your life. Just deal with it.)

Girl: When did we first start talking?
Say: It was exactly (make up some arbitrary high figure) fifty one billion, six hundred seventy-eight thousand, one hundred twenty-two, point one three six six eight seven zero three two five nanoseconds ago.
Girl: …….
Girl: I mean like what day?
Say: Sorry, it’s not my fault you can’t do the conversion.

Girl: When is my birthday?
(Create a distraction while you get on your computer and log onto Facebook)
Say: Oh, I know. You think I’m one of those guys who doesn’t remember important dates, right? You think just because I have a penis, I’m biologically destined to be a forgetful jerk – the prototypical bumbling buffoon who scrambles around the day of someone’s birthday to get them a last minute gift. Let me tell you something, missy! I know your birthday. I know exactly when your birthday is. That’s right. That is sooooo right. And I’m going to tell it to you right now (You should be done getting to her profile page by now). It is May 27th, 1983. Ha!

Girl: How long did we talk the first time we talked on the phone?
Say: Do you even know how long we talked for the first time we talked on the phone?
Girl: Yeah!
Say firmly: I’ll bet dinner tomorrow night that you don’t know how long we talked for the first time we talked on the phone.
Girl: Okay! We talked for five hours!
(Now that you got her to tell you the answer)
Say: Wrong!
Girl: What?
Say: It was more like four hours and fifty-nine minutes.
(If she insists that she was closer to the actual time, check the phone records. You have a 50/50 chance now. Good luck!)

Girl: What was I wearing that day?
Say: All I remember is your nipples were really perky that day. I really can’t remember. Your nipples were jutting out there pretty good, like little love nodes. It was really distracting.
(A very believable answer. Perky nipples + guys = memory flies out the window)

Girl: What did I order for lunch that day?
Say: What did I order for lunch the week after that?
Girl: I asked you first.
Say: I asked you first.
Girl: No, I did.
Say: No, I did.
Girl: Are you copying me?
Say: Are you copying me?
Girl: Stop copying me.
Say: Stop copying me.
Girl: Ugh, I give up.
Say: I win!

Okay, that’s all I got. And if a girl asks you something really important that you really should remember (like when you first had sex), say your mom beat you with a frying pan when you were a little kid, and your dad threw you down the stairs, giving you a concussion, and you have serious memory issues. If you’re Asian like me, it’ll be totally believable.

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